


The Quest

by sanctuary_for_all



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fix-It, I Will Get Fluff In Here Somewhere If It Kills Me, Maybe A Little Hope, Missing Scene, My poor babies, SHIELD Needs To Stop Making Me Write Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-24
Updated: 2014-10-08
Packaged: 2018-02-18 15:42:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2353733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanctuary_for_all/pseuds/sanctuary_for_all
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’ll be back, Fitz. I promise. But I have to at least try.” </p><p>After everything that's happened, Fitz and Simmons try to find their way back to each other. </p><p>NOW ONGOING!!!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, I’ve pretty much spent the last 24 hours going through all the stages of grief about the FitzSimmons storyline in the season 2 premiere. Now that I’ve thought about it, though, I just … I can’t make myself believe she would have left Fitz unless it was to try and help him somehow. No matter what the writers say next week, I just can’t.

Jemma left the lights off when she went into Fitz’s room, knowing the darkness would make it harder for the cameras to read her lips. There was no need to hide the visit itself – no matter why she was leaving, it would be impossible for her to do it without saying goodbye to him – but it was best if some things were left between her and Fitz alone.

He was sleeping, curled up on one side of the bed, and her fingers itched to reach out and touch him. But he slept so lightly now, and if he was awake for this she knew she’d never be able to make herself go.

Instead, she sat down carefully on the floor next to his head, leaning her cheek against the mattress. “I have to go, Fitz,” she whispered, not sure whether she wanted him to be hearing this or not. Either way, she had to say it.

She couldn’t just _leave_ him.

Eyes stinging at the thought, Jemma had to take a steadying breath before she could continue. “I’ve been looking through the files Agent Romanoff dumped onto the Internet, and I think I’ve found something that can help you.”

She could hear his voice saying _Don’t be stupid. I’m doing fine on my own_ , so clearly that it was almost as if he really had spoken. Her lips curved upward, even as she had to blink back the sudden wetness in her eyes. “I know, but you know how I worry.” She lifted her hand, fingertips ghosting lightly over his hair as she stroked. “I can see how frustrated you are, and I can’t think of anything else to do to help you.”

Jemma closed her eyes. “Besides, Coulson keeps trying to give me these … talks. About accepting sacrifice, and being strong.” She swallowed, her chest aching. “It’s like he thinks you’re not really you anymore, and he thinks I’m not accepting reality when I try to tell him otherwise.”

_Well, we’re used to people not being as smart as we are, aren’t we?_

The deep breath she took this time was a little shaky, but neither of them commented on it. She suspected she would hear his voice in her head even after she left, and wondered if it would be a comfort or undo her completely.

“This is normally the kind of thing we would do as a full mission, but with everything that’s been happening I know the entire team can’t risk it.” Her hand went still. “I told him I thought you’d heal faster if I wasn’t here. I don’t know if he believed me, but I’ve been crying so much lately I don’t think he wanted to push me too much.”

She put on her bravest expression, as if he was awake to need the encouragement. “Besides, it’ll be better if I’m on my own. People might notice a whole team, but no one will suspect a bright young thing who is just interested in the science.”

_It’s too dangerous, Jemma. You can’t go do something crazy like this without backup._

Her eyes filled. “But you’re my backup, and you can’t go out with me this time.” She squeezed her eyes shut. “I’ll be back, Fitz. I promise. But I have to at least try.”

Jemma pushed herself to her feet, looking down at his sleeping face one last time. His brow was furrowed, as if even unconscious he knew that something was wrong, and her throat tightened. Saving him was the most selfish thing she’d ever done, but she still couldn’t regret it.

She couldn’t live in a world that didn’t have Leo Fitz in it. She just couldn’t.

Knowing it was too big a risk, she bent down and pressed her lips lightly against the side of his head. He stirred, as she’d been afraid he would. “Simmons?” he murmured.

“Shhhh.” She rubbed a soothing hand along his back, the tears streaming freely down her cheeks. “Go back to sleep. It’s just a dream.”

She stayed until he fell back asleep, his breathing as slow and even as it ever seemed to get anymore.

Only then did she finally make herself go.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had to hear from Fitz, at least a little, which basically meant gouging my heart out with a spoon. Sorry.

Fitz knew it wasn't Jemma, no matter what he told himself.

For one thing, she was far too simplistic. They'd had an argument about it, once, after they'd watched ... he _knew_ he knew the name of the movie, the one with the ... never mind. It had been about a robot who thought he was alive, and Jemma had taken the side that science would never be able to make real people. The human brain was too complex, and too little understood, to be successfully reproduced.

Now, watching the Jemma-that-wasn't-Jemma, he had to agree with the real one.

His hallucination turned, as if she'd heard his thought, but didn't pick up the trailing thread of the old argument as the real one would have. Instead, she simply smiled. "Did you take your medication?"

Fitz nodded, closing his eyes when he felt her imaginary hand smooth over his hair. He told himself this was simply his brain attempting to ... make new neural pathways (not quite the right word for what he wanted to say, but the only one he could find) and that his subconscious was using Not-Jemma as a crutch to keep him calm and serve as a resource for information when he couldn't find it elsewhere in his broken brain.

Also? It felt like someone had taken his heart out for surgery and forgot to put a new one back in. So there was that.

May had explained it to him as gently as possible, telling him absolutely nothing useful but at least not lying to him. Skye had tried to talk to him, once or twice, but every time she did she looked like she was only a few minutes from crying. Coulson barely acknowledged him. But ... at least they were still here.

He thought ... he could have sworn he remembered her in his room the night she left, whispering things he couldn't quite make out. But why say goodbye if he couldn't hear it? Most likely he'd hallucinated her then, too.

Not-Jemma laid her hand against his cheek. "How are you coming your latest project?" she asked carefully, clearly trying to distract him from the way his thoughts had been turning.

"Getting there." He opened his eyes, tried to look brave as if it was really her standing next to him. As if she'd stayed, despite the ... the ... damn it, where was that word....

"Fitz?" Not-Jemma's voice was a little worried now.

He took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "I'm fine."

Not-Jemma's expression eased, even though the real one could always tell when she was lying. He'd thought he could tell the same thing about her, and so he'd believed when she'd said she had faith in him. When she'd said that he was enough. When she'd said that she could never regret saving his life, because there was no way she could ever leave him behind.

But he had a broken brain. Clearly, it couldn't be trusted.

The hallucination sat down at the table across from him. "So, tell me more about what you're working on."

Careful not to look her directly in the eye, he told her. It wasn't enough, no.

But it was all he had.


	3. Chapter 3

Her father had always said that practice makes perfect. By this point, Jemma'd had so much practice at lying that she'd become an expert at it.

_Her boss, a kindly-looking older man who had pictures of his grandchildren on his desk, leaned forward. "Your work here has been brilliant, Jemma."_

_She felt her heart catch briefly at his use of the past tense, even though this had always been part of the plan. Most of HYDRA's shell companies mentioned in the files had been seized by the government or quietly shut down, but she'd followed some of the disease samples here to GeneTech. They were working on a cure, they'd said._

_Jemma gave him her most pleasant smile. She hadn't bothered using a fake name, when she'd applied – HYDRA had all of SHEILD's personnel information, and not even the HYDRA members themselves knew everyone who had been acting as double agents. "Always happy to advance the progress of science, Dr. Michaels."_

_"I know." He smiled back at her, every inch the proud mentor. "Which is why we feel your talents would be better suited to some of the advanced projects we're working on."_

_Jemma felt a chill down her spine. Worse, though, was the awful anticipation curling inside her, almost eager for the offer to be pulled further into hell._

_She'd been away from Fitz for too long, already. It was getting hard to even hear his voice in her head, anymore._

_All that showed on her face, though, was dutiful eagerness. Dr. Michaels reached across the table, setting a slim tablet down on the desk in front of her. "Let me show you some of the other projects we're working on...."_

Jemma shook off the memory, finishing her notes about everything she'd seen. She sent the information to May on a secure digital line that was protected from GeneTech's regular scans, along with any other details she'd been able to gather. It wasn't enough, but she couldn't do more without jeopardizing her position with the company. And she had to stay until she'd found what she'd come here for.

Her fingers lingered on the keys, the lab she and Fitz used to share in front of her eyes. It seemed as though they’d always been in the same lab, working side by side even if they were tackling totally different projects. By this point, even her most automatic movements were designed to leave room for him, an empty space that had been obvious enough those first few days that one of her co-workers had asked if she’d recently broken up with someone.

Fitz … as much as she regretted not saying goodbye to him when he could hear her, she knew he would be fine without her. As much as she wanted to do this for him, she knew enough about the resiliency of the human brain and the bravery and determination of Leopold Fitz to know that he would be okay whether or not she came home with a magic cure. He was still Fitz, and he was the best person she knew at getting broken things working again. He would heal and figure out a way to get back to work.

She just didn’t know whether he would forgive her for putting him in the position where he had to. Losing Fitz in that ocean would have killed her, but to lose him when he was just across the room….

The rest of the thought was chased away by the words that suddenly appeared on the screen in front of her.

ARE YOU OKAY?

Jemma hesitated, instinctive caution keeping her from answering right away. It was on the same channel as the information she’d sent out, and if someone from HYDRA had cracked that she was dead no matter what she said. It was much more logical to assume it came from May, or someone else on the team.

Which caused an entirely different set of problems. She couldn’t worry them, or drag them from something else they were doing. They all had far more important things to worry about.

FINE, she typed back. I DON’T BELIEVE ANYONE SUSPECTS ME. THEY’RE IMPRESSED WITH MY WORK, AND ARE INTRODUCING ME TO MORE ADVANCED PROJECTS TOMORROW. 

For a moment, there was no response. Then, THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

Jemma knew that. If she’d ever had any doubts that May cared about her, they’d been ended during the quiet conversation they’d had outside the night she’d slipped away.  

I KNOW. A pause. I’M OKAY.

That should have been the end of it. But she could hear Fitz’s voice in her head, for the first time in what felt like a very long time.

You’re more than that, Jemma. I couldn’t find the courage to tell you, so please let me show you.

Her fingers flew across the keys. BUT TELL FITZ WHY I’M OUT HERE, IF HE DOESN’T KNOW. PLEASE.

Then she shut down the conversation and made herself be strong again.

**Author's Note:**

> Come check out my weekly posts and original short fiction on my [blog](http://jennifferwardell.blogspot.com) or say hi to me on [Tumblr](http://sanctuaryforalluniverses.tumblr.com)!


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